Teacher: “Explain to me why you use ‘he pronouns.’ Forgive my ignorance.”
Not even like, “will you explain to me?” or “please forgive”. Just a demand to explain to her, and to forgive her for asking. Just an overwhelming sense of cis entitlement. I responded, full of metered sass and without skipping a beat.
Me: Explain to me why you use ‘she pronouns.’
Teacher: “I… uhm… well… you know… I…”
She stumbled through her words for a good thirty seconds, clearly stunned that I would dare ask her the same invasive question she just asked me, before continuing
Teacher: “Well… because I’m a woman I guess… [thoughtful pause] So… uhmm are you saying that most people just take the pronouns that society assigns us because of gender?”
Me: Something like that.
Teacher: “So then… do you identify as a man?”
Me: I don’t identify as a man, I am a man. I use “he pronouns” because that’s what feels right for me. People of any gender can use any pronouns.
Teacher: “Hmmm! This is interesting. This is all soooo interesting.”
She said with a tone of “don’t you agree? You are such a fascinating specimen!”
I responded with the exact sense of boredom and irritation I felt with her
Me: Do you want some resources?
Teacher: “Oh yes! I love learning about new things!”
Then, since it’s an acting class, we did mindfulness and concentration exercises for the next 30 minutes. I was left with my own anxiety brain replaying the situation over and over and being acutely aware of how disconnected from people I feel when things like this happen and how disempowered I felt leaving the situation even though I totally handled it like a boss.
All in all, it wasn’t the worst interaction. Like, she was entitled as fuck, she described me as an ~interesting~ “new thing” and she asked me personal questions instead of googling or.. I don’t know DOING SOME CRITICAL THINKING BY HER GODDAMNED SELF since she was clearly capable of sorting it out on her own within a minute (I hardly even spoke!). But over all she wanted to learn and she was smiling and whatever.
But as soon as these kinds of things happen, it puts me in a place where I can no longer make a connection with that person, I can no longer feel safe with that person. Like, we can be acquaintances. We can be friendly. We might even hang out now and then. But I will probably never be able to connect with you on a real, deep and vulnerable level.
It’s painful enough to have to compartmentalize myself to become an educator with people I barely know. But if I let myself get vulnerable with people who might later put me in that educator position… it just hurts fifty times worse when it happens :/
